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WARNING: This message contains thermonuclear satire of STC using weapons grade
hyperbole and irreverence. All readers will take appropriate measures to
protect themselves from the intense blast of stupidity and dangerous fallout
that results when detonating a message of this magnitude on TECHWR-L.
Once again its time for the STC annual conference. And once again its a
non-stop parade of one-off obsessions of the non-technical, non-communicator.
This year sets what could be a new world's record. The conference contains NO
technical topics. Not a single topic on operating systems, networks,
programming, engineering, science...nothing.
STC has signed up a bumper crop of PAYING speakers to present topics that range
from writing to management...but nothing about technology (unless its
single-sourcing related). Another head-scratcher from the Society of TECHNICAL
Communicators.
Just listen to some of these fine selections from this year's conference and a
translation of what will really happen:
Case Studies in Web Information Structure
Explore real-life information structure challenges from the dotcom world, from
hierarchy to infrastructure to UI. This workshop will guide users through
mediated brainstorming, a problem-solving discussion, and a demonstration of
the current product solution.
Translation: How to look busy and keep collecting that paycheck. "Mediated
brainstorming" is that anything like a "controlled hurricane."
Information Modeling
Information models are a critical component of single sourcing, enterprise
content management, and dynamic content management. This session explains how
to design information models, including information product models and element
models.
Translation: How to transform scalding ignorance into reams of important
looking "models."
Design Approaches for Complex Problems
Learn approaches and solutions for designing large, complex information spaces:
an overview of complex problem-solving techniques; common problems and their
solutions for intranets; and a visual mapping method to capture product
knowledge.
Translation: Now this almost sounds interesting. Until I saw that "visual
mapping method." Read between those buzz words and its "esoteric methodology
that will be promptly ignored the moment you're laid off."
The Role of Content in Information Design
This panel takes current ideas relating information design to content, and
considers the issues involved when scaling up and applying these information
design concepts to complex large-scale projects.
Translation: This just reached out and said "Andrew Plato, please belittle us."
I mean a class to decide if content is important. Skip this one, I can give
this to you in three words. CONTENT IS IMPORTANT. Class over, please send me
$299.95.
Seven Things New Managers Must Do in the First Ninety Days
Learn to use an eight-step checklist to create a strategy that will enable you
and your team to be successful.
Translation: Wow, STC has managed to truly bend space-time and jam eight steps
into seven. Ahh the power of information mapping. Does NASA know about this?
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade: Surviving Policy/Procedure Projects
Panelists discuss the challenges of an "impossible" project they have
experienced, offer effective strategies for handling difficult projects
successfully, and relate lessons learned
Translation: 5 recently canned writers sit around bitching about how their
tender genius wasn't properly when respected by the greedy capitalist swine
that run the company like a Indonesian sweat shop and who wouldn't let them
blow $500,000 on a diamond encrusted single-sourcing project.
>From Tina to Xena: Professional Empowerment
Learn how to deal with perceptions of the technical communicator as a lowly
person in the chain of command. This workshop helps empower technical
communicators to take an assertive position with coworkers and clients.
Translation: Why you drive a 1987 Plymouth Horizon that burns oil and the SME
drives a 2002 Lexus LS430.
Hey Watch Me Break This
Total jerk Andrew Plato demonstrates his tender genius at breaking things and
explaining the intricacies of public folder replication on Exchange 2000
servers. Guaranteed to be a laugh out loud, throw live amphibians at the host
kind of discussion. Arguments over fonts, commas, and tools are encouraged. To
be held out back, behind the dumpster that has that sickly sweet smell that
attracts a lot of bees.
Translation: I know. These people worked hard to put on these
presentations...blah blah blah good for them. I hope they all win a McArthur
Genius Grant (Lord knows I won't). It's still laughable how an organization
with the word technical in its name, has a conference with virtually no
technical content. I can't believe I am the only one that notices this sort of
absurdity in the universe. Oh well. While you all are pro-actively leveraging
your synergies at the STC meeting, I'll be rounding up new customers. Andrew
needs a new Mercedes (and a gigabit switch!)
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