Re: I just experienced the coolest thing

Subject: Re: I just experienced the coolest thing
From: Tom Storer <tstorer_tw -at- yahoo -dot- com>
To: "TECHWR-L" <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com>
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2003 00:26:06 -0800 (PST)


Mark L. Levinson said:

"4. Mutual respect is born of confrontation."

Well, there's respect and there's respect. I make a
distinction between the post-confrontation kind of
respect, which I see as a somewhat macho, "this is a
worthy and honorable opponent" attitude (anybody see
"Gangs of New York"?), and the normal, courteous
respect we owe everyone by default.

In the workplace, even if a realistic assessment of a
co-worker is that he or she is (for example) an
incompetent, rude, dishonest, manipulating fool, one
must, IMO, remain courteous even while protecting
oneself against such a person's potential for harm.

Note that courtesy does not preclude firmness or
frankness. The trick is stay calm and stick to the
issues, avoiding personal conflicts. Don't say, "You
blankety-blank, you've pulled this trick on me before
and it'll be a cold day in hell before I trust someone
like YOU again." Instead say, "The last time we tried
this arrangement the results were such-and-such, and I
don't want us to be in that situation again." If it's
a peer, continue politely to refuse; if a boss, you
might have to accept whatever it is, but send the boss
a paper-trail email helpfully listing potential
trouble areas based on past experience.

My rule of thumb is the same for the office and for
Internet message boards: never, ever flame. Be polite
at all times, and never make a conflict personal.
Behind every substantive workplace confrontation is an
impersonal business situation that must be resolved in
favor of greater quality and efficiency for the
company. One must strive to transform the apparent
personal confrontation into a concertation of
professionals around that issue. If that involves
keeping the furious indignation and withering scorn
you feel for a co-worker to yourself, so be it.

That said, no one's a saint. Sometimes you lose your
temper without the world ending.

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