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Subject:HUMOR: User's Guide to the Delete Key From:Andrew Plato <gilliankitty -at- yahoo -dot- com> To:"TECHWR-L" <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com> Date:Wed, 4 Jun 2003 21:29:23 -0700 (PDT)
Time for a repost....
Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology
available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very
user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to
read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This
may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.
INTRODUCTION
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal
of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the
small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of
pleasure.
Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and
knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full
Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.
LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
1. Lift your filthy hands off the key board.
2. Scan the keys for a key labeled "Delete"
3. Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.
USING THE DELETE KEY
1. Locate something on your computer you wish delete. Files, text, e-mail
messages, and vital operating system components are all "delete-enabled" items.
2. Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
3. Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of your fingers, depress the
key labeled Delete.
4. The offending material has now been removed from your sight. You are now
free to resume your tepid, little pathetic life.
WARNING: Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete-based system. If
this is the case, make sure to agree to the deletion. Otherwise you may become
reburdended with the offensive or unwanted material.
WHAT SHOULD I DELETE?
Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New Economy, semi-lucid
hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need the unending power of a Delete key.
Not only is is easy to implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment
(ROI). Consider this scenario:
Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file is instructions for
making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain funny jokes about pumpkins.
Because Helga deleted the nuclear bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she
lacked the ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend saving all of King County
Washington. The pumpkin jokes made Helga happy enough to take her prozac and go
to work, where she invented a cure for chronic nose picking. Talk about some
serious ROI!
TROUBLESHOOTING
Q: I want to delete a message but I am compelled to read it an write a nasty
response, what should I do?
A: Throw yourself in front of a moving train. You're hopeless.
Q: I have strong emotional attachments to computer files and software programs.
I use the delete key often to remove unwanted text, but I fear other people may
be deleting my cherished software. What can I do?
A: Have you considered a life of sheep herding?
Q: Does my Delete Key come with a Warranty?
A: Absolutely not. You disgusting pervert.
Oh, a *warranty*! Hee hee, well, um, yeah sure. According to the International
Stadards Committee on Recycling Bins, there is apparently a new un-delete
technology in development. You will have no choice when it is accepted.
Q: I have used delete before, and enjoy the features, but I also enjoy getting
in a huff and slamming out a poorly organized rant. Is there a way for me to
automatically react in an illogical and emotional manner to information and
also delete it?
A: Install Service Pack 5. Reboot your life.
Q: Gubba, doobie woobie lubba non crackatee glabba shoop noogied ramba.
A: Ha ha ha, like you're totally correct. It can also intermesticate your fang
housing.
__________________________________
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