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But alas, I have not yet found that golden opportunity.
Cass :)
PS. Since it is Friday, my hubby found the following and sent it. It made me
giggle.
Subject: Proper tool definitions and use
A REAL handyman already knows most of this stuff!!
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering
it against that freshly painted car
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the
time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop, on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out
of.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything
you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars
at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts,
last over tightened, 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off
their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.
--
Cassandra Greer
Technical Translation and Documentation
Spilhofstr. 16
81927 München
+49 (089) 94004794
cassandra -at- greer -dot- de
cassandragreer -at- mac -dot- com
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