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From: "Combs, Richard" <richard -dot- combs -at- Polycom -dot- com>
Subject: RE: Coworker who won't take no...
[snip]
But it's also essential
to realize that you _cannot_ take responsibility for how someone else
feels. Each of us owns and controls (or fails to...) our own feelings.
When you hold yourself responsible for how someone else feels, you
surrender your psychological independence to them and give them control
over you. So feeling liberated when you take back that control is
exactly appropriate.
Well, I agree that you can't decide that it's morally wrong to EVER do
or say anything that hurts another person's feelings. Sometimes, it's
necessary if a person isn't "getting it," and if a person has displayed
a marked disregard for YOUER feelings, you don't owe it to them to worry
about theirs. In general, you have to stand up for yourself and can't be
a slave to someone else's feelings. In the situation we're discussing,
it was necessary for Patricia to hurt the guy's feelings because he
wasn't responding to the polite approach and was showing blatant
disregard for her feelings, and she needed to put a stop to a situation.
Furthermore, it's sometimes more unfair to someone NOT to tell them you
have a problem with them. For example, if you go to a restaurant and
have a beef with the food and/or service, it's fairer to the restaurant
to voice your complaint than it is to just quietly never go back again
and leave them wondering what was wrong.
I also agree that you can't be responsible for someone having a
disproportionate or inappropriate reaction to something because they're
unstable or have the wrong expectations. For example, I belonged to a
short story critiquing group for awhile and I wouldn't have felt
responsible if someone had gotten angry or hurt because of my criticism
because when you submit a story to be critiqued, it's supposed to be
understood that you're going to get negative criticism.
However, up to a point, I think it's fair to say that certain types of
words and actions can be counted on to evoke certain types of reactions
in others, and we do have some responsibility for understanding that. In
fact, I think that's part of what our profession is about --
understanding how people will react to certain types of message. If I go
up to a woman who just got a new hairdo and say, "Hey what's with the
hair? Halloween isn't for another month," she's gonna be angry and/or
hurt. I have said and done things in the past that have gotten people
upset -- and that I should have known would get them upset. (No, I never
made that remark about any woman's new hairdo.) However, I also realize
that the boundaries can sometimes be fuzzy. There is room for someone to
say, "I honestly didn't realize you would feel that way."
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