Humour: Nocilis of Yppolf #5

["Brian J. Dooley" <Brian_Dooley -at- EQUINOX -dot- GEN -dot- NZ>]

Yup, here we go again....

1.5 Pro Patria Mori

  Nocilis had traveled far into the hinterlands of Retupmoc. His great bulk
shambled through the narrow paths, as he proceeded ever noseward in pursuit
of whatever might come his way.
  His path now led through a forested area, fraught with great peril. For
this was a part of the Krowten dominion, in the land of Medom. Here lurked
the many tribes of Rekcah. If you weren't careful, they were likely to
pounce and serve you up with vegetables.
  Nocilis sniffed cautiously. No Rekcah trail. This was important, because
Rekcah always "mark" their territory by leaving a malodorous secretion on
the leaves and branches.
  Perhaps it was the wind. Perhaps it was some conflicting odor, or perhaps
it was because Nocilis had drifted  into an entangled no-man's land of
thought and was caught in a logic sequence of surpassing irregularity. In
any case, he missed the scent as it became increasingly obvious and strong,
and yes, he walked right into the path of a Rekcah clan.
  The Rekcah were almost as surprised to come upon Nocilis, as he was to
come upon them. Nonetheless, they sprang to the attack, and in no time had
Nocilis trussed up on a pole. As he bounced along enroute to their
encampment, he heard them sing the famous and much abhorred Rekcah Marching
Song:

Welcome all ye Rekcah  to our "Little Weasel Board,"
We have 800 megabytes, that's all we could afford,
We have a set of passwords and instructions to attack,
Every system out there, that you might care to crack.

This is a pirate system, we display the skull and bones,
We have a lot of passwords  and other systems' phones,
Be you a genius or a moron you can find the answer here;
In less than fifteen minutes, start a hacking career.

Cathy is a genius, and a top flight engineer,
She loves to answer questions that other people fear;
One evening someone asked her, "What makes a virus run?"
Her answer, with a recipe, is in Library One.

Alvin worked for Bigus Corp., their System to secure,
He was successful but they fired him for reasons obscure;
Alvin thought "Revenge!", and considered what to do,
Now find Bigus system passwords, in Library Two

Nikki did her thesis on system security,
It's off copyright, and so it's stored in Library Three.
The list of local boards is growing, tonight there will be more,
In Albert's autodialer area, in Library Four


This is a pirate system, we display the skull and bones,
We have a lot of passwords  and other systems' phones,
Be you a genius or a moron you can find the answer here,
In less than fifteen minutes, start a hacking career.

  The Rekcah deposited poor Nocilis in the center of their compound. He
looked around fearfully for any sign of broccoli. Broccoli is the final and
necessary ingredient. If they had a lot of it on hand, then the end would
come very soon. Luckily, there was not a floret in sight. Not a one. Things
were looking up.
  Meanwhile, the Rekcah had begun to circle Nocilis, chanting their fierce
war chant.

     Break-and-entry, piracy,
     Hacking is the life for me;
     Viruses and worms and such,
     That's the game we love so much.
     First your system at home we'll rob,
     Then wreck your work system, take your job.

  When the chanting stopped, the Rekcah stopped circling and stood still.
Nocilis saw their leader approaching. He was a heavyset gentleman dressed in
a bulbous red vinyl jacket and a backwards baseball cap. The leader surveyed
the situation through enormous horn-rimmed spectacles, then took a great
puff on his cigar.
  "Let him go," he said abruptly. "What is this. You know we ain't got no
broccoli."
  "We thought maybe a broccoli substitute?" said one of the group still
surrounding Nocilis. "A clump of old pine needles, perhaps?"
  "Wouldn't do. Wouldn't do." said the leader. "Gotta be broccoli. Where's
your upbringing. Good grief! Let him go."
  Two muscular Rekcah stepped forward and set Nocilis free. He shrugged off
the ropes and stood up.
  "Why thank you, good sirs," said Nocilis.
  "That nose would've been a real treat," muttered one of them.
  Nocilis addressed the leader. "Before I leave, I must know how the Rekcah
wreak so much havoc with so little, well, brain power?"
  "This is quite simple," chortled the leader, spittle drooling down his
chin. "Each pirate computer board system has lists of other boards, which
each have lists of others. They all have passwords, instructions, phone
numbers and so forth. This stuff is left by all kinds of people, for all
sorts of reasons. You could be brain dead, and become a major hacker in
minutes by just tracking down these boards."
  "Oh," said Nocilis, disappointedly. "What a waste. I thought that,
perhaps, you might have the great secret of computing."
  "The Rekcah," laughed the leader, "You gotta be kidding."
  Nocilis shrugged. It would be good to find the great secret of computing.
Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps the next day. Some day, and for the rest of his
life. But for today, it was time to depart.

(Copyright 1993, Brian J. Dooley)


--
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