Translation Humor

["Greg C. Miller" <Miller566 -at- AOL -dot- COM>]

The following is an excerpt from the Sept. 28, 1989 Far Eastern Economic
Review.  I've had this up on my office wall for a number of years.  It's a
good example of what happens if you don't check your translation for semantic
accuracy.  <My little semi-humorous notes are in brackets>

Traveller's Tales

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next day.
 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.  <Gee, I'm usually
not unbearable until after breakfast>

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit
up.  <Smoke if you got 'em>

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each should press a number of
wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.  <Be
glad your not from Zambia>

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.
 <Sorry I already lost mine>

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.  <I bet the office manager comes in
at 11:01>

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of the chambermaid.  <My only question is:  Is this before or after you've
taken it off?>

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
 <!!>

In  the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
 You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artist and writers are buried daily except Thursday.  <Thursdays?
 Must have to rest from all that grave digging>

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the corridors in
hours of repose in the boots of ascension.  <Or the underwear of descent, I
suppose?>

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
 <That and the Chicago Cubs>

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumpling in the form of a finger; roast duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.  <Lets see, thin red soup
with big gooey dumpling, a flaming duck running loose on the table, and beef
beaten by a group of angry peasants. . . Check please!>

In a Hongkong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self- service.  <Don't forget to tip yourself.>

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:  Drop your trousers here for best results.  <No
starch please>

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.  <Ah, the Pretty
Woman collection>

Outside a Hongkong dress shop:  Ladies have fits upstairs.  <I thought that
only occurred in the dressing room during swim suit sales>

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.  <So that's how the Russians bury
people daily>

From the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past
two years.  <Talk about creating scarcity to drive up art prices!>

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.  <Try flattening his underwear>

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.  <Honey, lets get married so we can live in a tent>

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.  <Well, at least it keeps the sheets clean>

In an advertisement by a Hongkong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.  <Must be all
that vodka>

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.  <Ladies, come up to Austria, there's a hotel lobby I'd
like to see you in>

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven city tours
-- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride on your
own ass?  <Kinda hard not too.>

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
 <I hear you've got to turn it to the left in the southern hemisphere>

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hongkong:  Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.  <Funny, my resume says the same thing>

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream. <Tomorrow's special
-- no pie>

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreign if
dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.  <Either the
ones they married, carry in a bowl, or had before they were ladies>

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all
directions.  <Finally, an honest airline.>

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.  <A beer for that lady whose dilated to 3 centimeters>

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.  <I'll have the wine please>

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
 Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.  <And if want to be cool, lose control>

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.  <I hesitate to tootle
anyone who is heaving>

And as a final note, I add this:
From the Commerce Department: Proposals are to be submitted on floppy dicks
<Let the flatulent rejoice!>  Yes, I know it's not from a translation, but
knowing how our government operates English to them must seem like a second
language.

Enjoy,

Greg Miller