HUMOR: Docs you'd love to write

[Mike McGraw <mcgraw -at- BROOKTREE -dot- COM>]

The following piece was forwarded by a friend.  Now this is the kind of
truth-in -advertising documentation that would be a ball to write.
MMc  :*)
............................................................................
......

>------- Forwarded Message Follows -------

>     I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it
>     arrived with this article in the packaging.  No kidding!


>          IMPORTANT!  READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

>     Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
>     would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
>     you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
>     maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to:

>     PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
>     UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED
>     IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND
>     NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
>     YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
>     ALSO IS FIDDLING  WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
>     THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW
>     THAT?!?

>     We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
>     always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
>     the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
>     So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
>     your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
>     OK?  Now let's talk about:

>     1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

>     The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
>     who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

>     PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
>     ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
>     WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

>     Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
>     engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
>     backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a
>     bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
>     question.  It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
>     "Barker", if you get our drift.

>     WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
>     THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

>     If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
>     one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
>     manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
>     Europe.

>     Besides the device, the box should contain:

>     * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
>     * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
>     and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

>     YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
>     cable.

>     IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:  You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
>     your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
>     car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
>     without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
>     why."

>     WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
>     Pete.

>     2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

>     The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
>     electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
>     effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current
>     to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
>     then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  Your device
>     is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
>     Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

>     DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

>     Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
>     and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

>     WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
>     SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR
>     EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

>     3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

>     WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
>     WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
>     INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
>     RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
>     "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

>     INSTRUCTIONS:  For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
>     that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.
>     Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
>     occurrence!  However.  If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
>     very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
>     Drawing B.

>     4. WARRANTY

>     Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
>     all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
>     defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
>     Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
>     Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
>     Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
>     designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.  This warranty does not cover
>     the attractive designer case.

>     WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
>      HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

>--- end forwarded text