Don't hire me, I'm not certified!

[Melissa Hunter-Kilmer <mhunterk -at- BNA -dot- COM>]

I've come to the conclusion that I should no longer be a
technical writer.  I'm not certified and I have no desire to
become so.  I'm going to try to quit tech writing.  This letter
is Step 1 of my 12-step process in quitting: I am recognizing the
problem.

I can obviously no longer perform any of my job functions as a
writer, analyst, interviewer, and desktop publisher.  My double
degree in Greek and religion clearly make me unfit for my current
job.

Forget the fact that when I graduated from college 19 years ago,
technical writing degrees were nowhere to be found.  It doesn't
matter that the college I had chosen didn't offer a program that
specifically contained the words "technical" and "writing" (or
"communication") in them.  Fool that I was, I went there to get a
good education and had never even heard of technical writing at
that time.

While I was in college, I thought I might become a priest -- or a
professor of Greek -- or maybe a librarian.  Woe to me!  I should
have realized early in life that my True Vocation was as a Tech
Writer, and I should have applied myself solely to preparing for
that career.  Only those who know their future will be as a
technical writer should actually become such a lofty creature.
Such knowledge requires frequent sacrifice in terms of money,
time, and personality.  Technical writing is obviously not for
the faint of heart.

So it doesn't matter that I gradually worked up to my current
lofty tech writer status from a job as a receptionist in the
depths of the late-70s recession.  All the subject-matter
expertise I acquired in engineering and accounting as a
proofreader and copyeditor is as naught.  My stints as a
reporter, desktop publisher, and systems support coordinator have
no relevance whatsoever.  My excellent performance reviews and
raves from end users matter not at all.  I must stay focused:
only the degree matters, and it must be the right one.

Learning on the job or on one's own time clearly do not cut the
mustard.  Those Web pages I put together in my spare time?  I
spit on them.  My ability to make PageMaker sing?  The song must
be off-key.  My loathesome habit of picking up any software
package and learning it (you'll excuse the phrase, I'm sure) on
the fly?  That has to be the work of a fly-by-night.  Even my
subscription to techwr-l is useless.  Tech writers, forgive me,
for I have sinned!

But wait, it gets worse, and I must purge myself of all the filth
I have hidden.  I am deeply ashamed to admit that I hired three
people as technical writers -- and they had no degree in
technical writing!  One of them even had no experience in the
field!  Does it matter that these writers produced wonderful
documentation that helped users to learn?  Of course not.
Clearly, their degrees in history, archeology, anthropology, and
pre-med were useless.

I must confess at this point that I didn't care what their
degrees were in -- or even if they had degrees.  I cared only
about experience, attitude, and writing ability.  Oh, the
ignominy of it!

If you can grant me absolution (perhaps a certified absolution),
I might begin again the arduous process of becoming a technical
writer -- studying at the feet of the masters at an accredited
institution, taking all the appropriate exams, working only on
applications in which I have been fully trained by certified
instructors.  It will take years, and it will render me
penniless, but it will all be worth it when I enter the pearly
gates of tech writerdom!  Otherwise, I will have to fall back on
my part-time job: dumpster-diving.

Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.  I promise to do
only certified work from now on.

Humbly,

Melissa Hunter-Kilmer
mhunterk -at- bna -dot- com
(standard disclaimer)

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