On the lighter side (original humor)

["Wilcox, John (WWC, Contractor)" <wilcoxj -at- WDNI -dot- COM>]

Last week my manager moved on to better position in another department.
In lieu of our bi-weekly staff meeting, we roasted him.  I was asked to
do something for the occasion.  Here's the text of my presentation,
which deals with the unique language of career management types.  The
company I currently work for is the only company I've worked for where
this language exists, so perhaps it's indigenous to very large
companies, but it is rampant here.  For example, my manager's manager
once talked to the staff at one of our meetings.  She spoke for an hour,
but I cannot tell you what she talked about -- I didn't understand a
thing.

I've removed the company name from this copy, just in case it gets
forwarded.

 -------------------------------

               THE HORN OF ZEESE
[the above is written on the big tablet on the tripod at the front of
the room]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away -- actually, it was 19 years
ago in California -- I took a job as a driver with a startup parcel
delivery company.  For the first several months, every weekday I would
make a big loop around a large chunk of northern California.  On this
route, I had to pass through the small town of Boonville.  Boonville is
about halfway between Highway 101 and the coast, it's really in the
middle of nowhere, and it's only about a half mile long, but it serves
as the hub of life for the people that live in the hills thereabouts.

Well, in this town there's a restaurant called The Horn of Zeese.  And
every day I'd drive by this place and wonder what the heck a horn of
zeese was.  I began to think -- what, do they have some sort of a
Teutonic cult here or something?  Maybe it's something out of Konan the
Barbarian or Greek mythology.

Anyway, curiosity finally got the better of me and I began to inquire
about this.  (I never asked one of the locals, though, because I didn't
know what might become of me.  I don't ever remember even stopping in
this burg, just zoomed through on my way to Mendocino.)  Well, I found
out that the locals took a sort of pride in their remoteness, and they
had developed their own language, called Boont.  You see, they didn't
want the brightlighters (that's Boont for city dwellers) to be able to
understand what they were talking about in places like this restaurant.
(By the way, a horn of zeese turned out to be a cup of coffee.)  I'm not
making this up.  I'm telling you the truth with my hand up.  It was like
a secret society, where you had to know the language in order to be a
part.

Lo, these many years later, I have discovered another such secret
society right here in the middle of our company.  And they also have
their own language, called Managerese, the apparent purpose of which --
like Boont -- is to keep outsiders from knowing what they're talking
about.

Now Jim, this is where you need to pay attention, because your success
as you climb the rungs of the ladder of corporate management will depend
primarily on your ability to understand -- well, not necessarily
understand, but at least use -- Managerese.  I have compiled a list of
Managerese vocabulary. [turn page on table to reveal the following list]

develop
team
measure
support
goal
common
functional
align
strategy
business
coordinate
process
ensure
focus
key
value
core

Of course, these are all English words, but it's the way you use them
and the extent to which you use them.  And you can use different
variations and mix them up in any way, like "strategic functionality"
and "align key processes."

I haven't done an exhaustive study, so this may only be a partial list
of the vocabulary, but it is probably all of the really important words,
judging from what I've seen.  One particular memo that I got impressed
me so much that I did some statistics on it.  I don't know who wrote it,
but it must be a good example because it came down from several layers
of management up the ladder.  This memo started out with a title, which
was good because it allegedly told me what the memo was about.  I say
allegedly because when I got to the end I still wasn't sure -- but then
I'm an outsider.  I didn't understand it, but that probably just means
that I have no management potential.  (And again, I wouldn't ask one of
the locals, either.)

In this memo, each of these words was used at least 16 times and an
average of 26 times.  One of them was used 91 times.  Of the 2999 words
in the memo, 448 came from this list of 17.  In other words -- and this,
I perceive, is the secret to management success -- 1 out of every 6 or 7
words was taken from this list.!  This was not written by any mere line
manager.  This reflects years of oxygen deprivation in the stagnant air
of meeting rooms, and thousands of hours of experience in writing memos,
preparing presentations, and generating budget spreadsheets.  This is a
masterpiece, suitable for framing.  This could be an epistle in the
manager's bible.  In fact, I think I'll keep it with my Bible.  It
should act as a deterrent -- because tech writers who go to hell
probably have to read this kind of stuff for eternity!

Last week, to prepare for this presentation, I took a crash course in
Managerese, because I wanted to tell you that even though we'll miss
you, we understand why you're moving on and we wish you all the best.
But I wanted to be able to tell you in a more meaningful way.  So Jim,
[point to words on board order as read; note that all except one is
used in this sentence] the Application Development team gives measured
support to your goal of leaving us common but functional people behind
and aligning yourself with more strategic business coordinators in the
process of ensuring that you focus on your key values.  See how that
works?  (The scary thing is that that sentence actually makes sense now
 -- maybe there's a window seat in my future after all.)

If you commit this list to memory, you'll be better equipped for your
next position.  And someday when you find yourself nodding off in some
meeting, and someone elbows you as the big guy says, "What do you think,
Jim?" -- you'll automatically spout off something like, "Align our core
processes with key business functionality" -- and you'll be right!

I left one word out [point to "core"], but it is a very important one --
right up there with align and functional.  And so, to help you keep in
mind what it's all about, I would now like to present you with this.
[Present poster with company logo at top, clipart of apple core at
bottom, and reading "Company Management Team -- esprit de core!"]

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