Friday Humour - good language and some logic!

[Damien Braniff <Damien_Braniff -at- PAC -dot- CO -dot- UK>]

Some signs showing "good" use of language :- )

Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

Store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG,20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

Office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE
DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH
BUT OUR PETROL IS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

***************************************************************
 And bit of logical reasoning:

Question: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will always drop butter
side down. But when you drop a cat it will always land on its feet.  What
would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back
of a cat (butter side up) and dropped both?
Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should
be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that
the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot land on its back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve
this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right! You have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat
will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium
point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter -
providing lift - or removing some of the cat's fur, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
drive their ships within planetary systems. The loud humming heard by most
sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.  The one
obvious danger, of course, arises if the cats manage to eat the  bread  off
their backs. In this case they will instantly plummet.
Naturally the cats will land on their feet but this generally doesn't do
them much good, since right after they make their landing several tons of
red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them :- ).
Damien Braniff
Technical Author
PAC International


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