Friday OT: Star Wars Episode 1 - The Tech Writer's Version (Part 2 of 2)

[Justin Soles <jsoles -at- TYPHOON -dot- CO -dot- JP>]

NOTE: This story is based on what is thought to be the plot summary of Episode 1, so if you don't want to know ANYTHING about the plot, delete this email. None of the characters below resembles, or is meant to resemble any of the actual characters in Star Wars Episode 1. I don't want to get sued, so let's just keep this little serialization to the 4,000 of us, OK? (Please?)

 

Part 2:

Because of a broken fanbelt, the group ends up in Tatoo, a planet controlled by the PizzaHutts, for needed repairs. (planetary motto: "De plane boss, de plane!") Although Tatoo looks like downtown Newark NJ after the LSD wears off., it offers safety as it's beyond the reach of the Star Federation. Darth ("but everybody calls me Larry") Maul, the apprentice to Darth inSidious, is sent to Tatoo to find the Queen and destroy the Jedi TWs.

Qui-Gon visits 'Big Bill's Used Car Lot & Spare Part Boutique' with Java Jar to find the part to repair the truck. During their search they meet Adobe Framewalker, a slave who was sold to the PizzaHutt and is currently spell-checking a Windows 3.0 application manual by hand. Qui-Gon realizes Framewalker has Jedi TW potential because he was born knowing all the guidelines from the 'Elements of Style' and is the only human with the reflexes to compile WinHelp, JavaHelp, HTMLHelp and Oracle Help for Java at the same time without errors or system crashes. Qui-Gon puts up the truck as the entry fee to sponsor Framewalker in a online help compiler race and also bargains for his freedom. As YaddaYadda the PizzaHutt starts the race, Darth Maul's probe droids search the crowd for the Jedi TWs and the Queen.

Adobe wins the help compiler race and his freedom. He goes with Qui-Gon to begin his training as a Jedi TW but as  they head for the truck, they encounter Darth Maul with his double-ended lightsaber/highlighter. There is a "fierce fight" (read: lots of special effects) and Qui-Gon barely escapes, leaving Darth Maul standing alone outside a roadside Taco Bell as the truck heads down the interstate away from Tatoo.

The heroes finally get to Cin'cinati by following the galactic radio beacon (call letters: WKRP). The entire planet is composed of one really, really big conference center. Qui-Gon sets up a meeting with the Jedi TW Council in between two STC presentations ("The ethics of one versus two spaces after a period" and "Its versus It's: the unseen killer") and tells of his encounter with Darth Maul. Jedi TW master Grover (who acts in Sesame Street when not writing release notes and user guides) notes that the entire Republic is threatened if the forces of the (sic) are involved.

Qui-Gon also says that he has "encountered a vengence in the TechWhirler's Force.", which refers to the prophecy of one who will bring balance to the Force. The Council agrees to test Adobe, but they sense his fear & anger and forbid Qui-Gon to train Adobe as a Jedi TW.  Master Grover says "I sense much fear in you. Fear is the path to the dark side of the TechWhirler's Force for it can lead to run-on sentences. Run-on sentences lead to spelling and grammar mistakes missed in editing...spelling and grammar mistakes lead to project delays...project delays lead to payment problems...payment problems lead to anger...anger leads to hate...hate leads to SUFFERING!" 

Against the Jedi TWs' wishes, the Queen decides she must return to Mcgoo to face Darth inSidious' invasion force with her people. Java Jar takes them all to the 'C'ube' - the sacred hiding place of the En'gineers. Her bodyguard reveals that he is actually the real Queen in disguise(!) and s/he and Boss McNealy form an alliance to defend Mcgoo. On the battleground, the En'gineers create a massively complex software spec. to confuse the evil droids and keep them away from the palace, but they are no match for the evil force and they flee in chaos to other high-paying jobs. Both Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon confront Darth Maul in a final battle outside the Steakhouse/palace. Qui-Gon is killed by Darth Maul, who is then killed by Obi-Wan. It is Obi-Wan who now promises to train Adobe to be a Jedi TW! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------