HUMOR: Survey of recent TECHWR-L Posts

[Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- YAHOO -dot- COM>]

Just havin' some fun here.

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From: I L Iterate
Subject: HELP

Hi, I am new to the list and incapable of reading, could someone please
translate all messages on the board into an interpretive dance?  Thanks.

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From: Will Hairsplitter
Subject: HELP

While I agree with the long complex idea that Mr. N presented, I feel it is
more appropriate for me to belittle Mr. N for his flagrant misuse of commas.
The truth is, I read four sentences, noticed one error, and I don't want to
read any further.  Therefore, rather than just learn to suppress my urges to
belittle people, I am going to post this intricately justified message.
Although Mr. N. took the time to express an interesting and compelling concept,
this is meaningless in comparison to his blatant disregard for the sanctity of
the comma.

According to Dr. EM Shuttleflanker the comma is a precious, tender device of
language representative of our collective sesequentiality to obfuscate the
mustacularity that governs our feducitality.  Thus and ergo we must rigidly
ejaculate the mesticulatority components of this and obey the rules of
commonality.

Therefore, I must completely reject Mr N's ideas because he does not
religiously observe the same philosophies about those precious commas that I
do.

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From: The Master Writer
Subject: The Laws of Sucky Sourcing

There has been a lot of debate on here about Sucky Sourcing.  Since everyone
else is a total moron and I did this once about six years ago, I am going to
post my unwavering laws for sucky sourcing.

1. Nothing is worth doing if there isn't a complex, easily disobeyed process
governing the act of doing it.

2. Complex processes are very effective at prolonging employment and stupidity.


3. When in doubt, say "Yes, I thought of that." Then walk away with your arms
folded. Write a report detailing your inability to work with "those people."

4. Change your standards often, complain that nobody follows them, resign in
disgust, get a contracting job, drink molten lead.

5. Misery loves company - post your thoughts to TECHWR-L!

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From: Tom Terrific
Subject: Cross Dimensional Help Systems

I am developing a help system for my company, Deadly Toxins Inc., that must
span the first through 3.2 x 10^6 dimensions. Could you drop everything you are
doing and post your thoughts and subsequent knee-jerk reactions to those
thoughts to the list about how I can do this.

Oh make sure to call each other names while your at it.

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From: Mary Quite Hairy
Subject: Names I Use

I am writing a super important manual for a complex cheese categorization
software. I was wondering what all of you use for names on screen grabs?  I
like to use my own name because I am an uncreative lump of cheddar. My cube
mate likes to use the names of famous cheeseries like Tillamook and Alpine
Lace.

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From: Michael J. Crustwither
Subject: Ookie

At my company where everything is done correctly, we use the word "ookie" in
reference to any semi-viscous slime-like substance secreted from a bodily
orifice.  Use of this word in any other way violates the laws of time and space
and therefore should be resoundingly discouraged.

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From: Judy Ding-a-Ling
Subject: Supervising an Extreme Idiot

I wanted to thank everyone for your extensive advice regarding supervising an
extreme idiot.  I am greatly enjoying the process of belittling an
insignificant, stupid person.  I chose the following rigid structure for
molding this human into a boot licking toadie:

1. Meet and greet.  Insult the person's choice of clothing.  Remind them of how
real professionals dress like myself.

2. Gentle belittling. We started with general descriptions of his resounding
incomptence. I carefully demonstrated how his knowledge was no longer of any
value anywhere.

3. Overview of my greatness.  I described how as a Master, Senior, Executive
Writer I am generally a better life form than the little people who work for
me.

4. Starter Task 1.  I had my extreme idiot write up some documents. Then I
spent 6 hours describing in exquisite detail how everything he wrote was wrong,
deadly, and unworthy.

I think that should sufficiently take away my little slave's will to live. What
do you all think?  Should I also beat her with a pipe each time she speaks?

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From: Sammy Snake
Subject: Compensation Question

I was recently offered a position in Santa Clara, CA (Bay Area) as a Senior
Executive Master Revered Writing Authority.  However, I heard that coffee costs
$910.00 and a decent apartment costs $2,002,920,750,189,928.00 per month. I
have also heard horror stories about people being sucked into massive time
warps along highway 101.  Is this true?

At my last position I made $50,000 a year but I knew how to jam doors open with
floppy disks. From my experience, writers who can jam doors open, but not
recarpet old Chryslers can make an additional $10K per year.  Is this true?

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From: Norden Nucklehead
Subject: Recarpeting Chryslers

Is this a skill I should have if I want to break into the dynamic and exciting
world of technical communications?

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From: Kyle Katsmasher
Subject: "Ornsdbjsn" or "jkcbeiofsbe"

What word is more appropriate to use when discussing mouse commands:
"Ornsdbjsn" or "jkcbeiofsbe"  I am incapable of making the decsion for myself
and need the false consensus of a group of strangers.

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From: Sudir Succatumbabula
Subject: JOB: Kitten Snuggling, Nowhere, AK

The Write! Solution Inc always has the Write! people for the Write! jobs,
Write! now.  We Write! the wrongs making Write turns while forming Write!-wing
groups.  If you are the Write! person for our Write!-sided company, you can
Write! all you want, Write!

(Isn't it clever how we use Write! instead of right!)

We have an opening right now for an Intermediate Level Kitten Snuggler,

REQUIREMENTS

- RoboKitten 6.1.1.1.2.45.5.23.2.21.1.1.1.1.34.54.4 Alpha
- Certification in Kitten Nuzzling and Advanced Knead theory
- PurrPerfect 5.0
- ClawSite.
- HissMaker
- WhizShop 59.0

Please include a cover page, a hairball, and a complete set of everything you
ever wrote enscribed on a slab of shale. Failure to abide by these rules will
result in instantaneous execution.


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