RE: Coworker who won't take no for an answer

[Kimberly McClintock <kimberlymcc -at- yahoo -dot- com>]

The 'Subject' line of this thread is misleading: our caller HASN'T said no. 

It's inconvenient when people don't play by my social rules. Inconvenient, and occasionally discomfiting, embarrassing and confusing. Occasionally infuriating. I'm sure everyone feels this way. Our caller's nemesis feels this way. 

We are communicators; this is a case where clear, precise, unambiguous communication is required. Clear, direct, compassionate, kind communication. Respectful. I'd handle this situation by, the next time I found myself alone with him, lowering my voice and say, very, very kindly, "You are a total sweetheart to press what you clearly think is a valuable thing but I am not interested." If he argues, and it seems like he might, I'd raise my voice a little, drop the sweet tone, get firmer and repeat myself. If he persisted beyond that, I'd threaten him with HR. And I'd also write this all down and keep it, dated, in drawer.

To go to HR or to a manager before we've made every effort at unambiguous communication is unfair. It's not how I'd want to be treated. 

~Kimberly McClintock


--- On Tue, 7/29/08, Julia Cemer <jcemer -at- wavelink -dot- com> wrote:

> From: Julia Cemer <jcemer -at- wavelink -dot- com>
> Subject: RE: Coworker who won't take no for an answer
> To: "'Blount, Patricia A'" <Patricia -dot- Blount -at- ca -dot- com>, "techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com" <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com>
> Date: Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 10:02 AM
> This is a hard situation to be in and I find myself in some
> kind of a similar one. Maybe I am just too passive, but it
> is hard to want to bring down the wrath (so to speak) on
> someone that you have to work with every day. I'm
> considering going to HR over the same type of thing but am
> hesitant because I know it will make it impossible to work
> with the person involved.
> 
> I think it is more delicate than immediately running to
> your manager or telling little white lies or even flat-out
> saying "I'll never be interested; leave me
> alone." These types of people are difficult to work
> with while you are in that type of situation, but even
> worse when they've been rejected. And even worse when
> they've been rejected AND sent to HR. Yeah, it
> shouldn't be that way, but that is the reality of my
> experiences. Said person hasn't done enough to be
> fired, but is just jaded enough to make your working
> environment miserable. Should I/you feel bad about it? Of
> course not, but if I am are working with the guy every day,
> he has sign-off and he's making it difficult because I
> embarrassed him or said no, I can end up feeling like I
> should feel bad about it...that maybe it would have been
> easier to just live with him. At least then he'd review
> the stuff like he is supposed to.
> 
> I wish I could say something that helped more. I'm
> trying to figure out what to do too. Good luck.
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From:
> techwr-l-bounces+jcemer=wavelink -dot- com -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
> [mailto:techwr-l-bounces+jcemer=wavelink -dot- com -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com]
> On Behalf Of Blount, Patricia A
> Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2008 7:50 AM
> To: techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
> Subject: Coworker who won't take no for an answer
> 
> Good morning, all,
> 
> I find myself in a precarious situation and wondered if you
> might advise
> me...
> 
> I have a SME, a subject matter expert with review and
> sign-off
> responsibility for a guide I'm writing. He is a gifted
> programmer, a
> brilliant young guy probably in his late twenties. He's
> also very pushy.
> 
> 
> Since the start of this project, he's suggested - more
> than once - that
> I should bring my teenage sons to his favorite Saturday
> afternoon haunt,
> a local hobby shop. At the risk of sounding full of myself,
> it is
> embarrassingly obvious to me and to all of my cubicle
> neighbors that he
> has a crush.
> 
> My sons have zero interest in this particular hobby and
> even if my boys
> enjoyed the activity, we would NOT attend for that reason
> alone. I am
> doing my best to discourage his attentions.
> 
> He will not let the matter drop. He presses and pushes and
> even went so
> far as to call my mothering skills into question,
> suggesting that I am
> doing my sons a disservice by not forcing them into the
> shop. It may end
> up broadening their horizons and changing their lives.
> 
> I've tried the obvious solutions - excusing myself,
> running off to
> meetings, picking up the telephone. I was even honest and
> told him
> outright my sons think his hobby is pretty lame. This was
> yesterday,
> after the tenth time he brought up the subject. He all but
> printed out
> resumes for the four people who own the store, explaining
> that a public
> defender, a published author, a former cop and a computer
> programmer are
> not nerds.
> 
> Sigh.
> 
> I'm dangerously close to losing my temper with him,
> which prompts this
> email to you. How can I shut him up without jeopardizing
> this project?
> 
> Thank you all.
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